ruminations of a muse

是好是壞？

2011-12-18T14:50:00.000+08:00

情緒低落時，喜歡在部落格寫感受。舊了，發覺很多愛管閒事的人，就不再多寫了。偶爾，the feel of writing came over me. Without compositions, my brain felt heavy and dead. My creativity almost gone. 就像沒辦法排泄出的毒，慢慢在裡面，累贅起來。看到不想看到的東西，又卻無法把它忘懷。

希望你能包容我的沉默。

Sorry.

an early little christmas post

2011-12-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

Ok time really flies. End of 2011 in 13days!
What have accomplished? Almost next to nothing, but for this year I have managed to know some really great people and strengthened my convictions. 12 days more and I shall post a "New Year Resolutions for 2012"

Will have to rake my brain. Meanwhile I wanna see my last year resolutions (and if I did any of them).

2011-11-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

I can only hope for the best.

I escaped, into another problem.

枫

2011-11-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

Had been playing in my mind for the whole day.

Can't stop it, lol. Might as well enjoy the torture.

Can't help but wonder. Staring at space and watching time pass by.

It's not too late yet.

I miss it, the freedom of being able to do everything you want to.

And stop currying favours.

And asking pointless questions and replying pointless answers.

Seriously?

My last post.

2011-09-14T17:12:00.001+08:00

Don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream out in anger. I need a much more private place to vent out.

2011-09-08T15:01:00.001+08:00

当我太高兴，太快乐，太幸福，我也会开始害怕。

Perfection; not me.

2011-08-01T00:29:00.000+08:00

Been a long while.

When faced with choices, we will definitely choose the better one.
Just like the fruits you chose at the supermarket, why would you pick that orange with that brown scar when you can have the perfect, gleaming one at the same price?

2011-07-15T19:52:00.001+08:00

People are not there for you always.
Time don't stop for you, nor anyone.

2011-07-13T00:08:00.002+08:00

I don't know how naive people can be.
Money is not everything, but without money, what the fuck can you do?
Come on, and give yourself a wake up call.

2011-07-02T20:39:00.002+08:00

Turn to whom?

2011-06-24T16:59:00.001+08:00

http://neutralxe.net/esc/lights_play.html

Awesome maze game! Took me an hour though T_T

Sun; but misguided

2011-06-14T17:57:00.000+08:00

It is ok to talk about yourself once in a while, but it is not ok for me when I have to listen to you talk about everything in your life, that does not even involve me. (barely held any appeal)

Maybe it just get so irksome because you no longer held any appeal to me.

Anything, good or bad, does not concern me.

We are over.

2011-05-29T00:07:00.001+08:00

Graduation. Another stop in life.

Diary

2011-05-24T15:59:00.000+08:00

Diaries always contain an element of secrecy but as the time goes by, we begin to pen our thoughts down in digital form instead of ink and paper.
That's why I have deleted alot of my previous entries.
They are not safe.
I am not safe.
It's scary how Google dig things up with the right keywords.
It's scary and fascinating at the same time.

My problems seemed small and slight as compared to yours.
I am sorry.
I thought I understand you, but what I had known, was only the tip of an iceberg.
Forgive me for being an ignorant fool.

Change

2011-04-27T10:37:00.000+08:00

Have I changed? I don't know.
Somehow the pleasures of my past life (or lifestyle) seems to me of little joy now.
Conversations turned dull and boring, focused only on the minute details of life that I no longer seemed to enjoy.
Once in a while, I felt that gayness of life. That burst of energy, but they quickly diminished.
People that I used to long to see, seem like ghosts from my past.

I kept more secrets, and my tears dropped even more freely.
It can be a memory, a place, an item.

I am tired of all these.
Tell me, what am I living for?

2011-04-21T21:39:00.002+08:00

I wonder what kind of people I surround myself with.

2011-04-18T17:46:00.000+08:00

Life brings us to crossroads, and once again we choose whom to keep...and whom to leave behind.
Wishing everybody get what they want in life eventually, and of course, in the pursuit of the ideal life, remember to stay happy and contented! :)

Except from Candide~

It was altogether natural to imagine, that after undergoing so many disasters, Candide, married to his mistress and living with the philosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the prudent Cacambo, and the old woman, having besides brought home so many diamonds from the country of the ancient Incas, would lead the most agreeable life in the world. But he had been so robbed by the Jews, that he had nothing left but his little farm; his wife, every day growing more and more ugly, became headstrong and insupportable; the old woman was infirm, and more ill-natured yet than Cunegund. Cacambo, who worked in the garden, and carried the produce of it to sell in Constantinople, was above his labor, and cursed his fate. Pangloss despaired of making a figure in any of the German universities. And as to Martin, he was firmly persuaded that a person is equally ill-situated everywhere. He took things with patience.

And the whole story concludes with ...

"Human grandeur," said Pangloss, "is very dangerous, if we believe the testimonies of almost all philosophers; for we find Eglon, King of Moab, was assassinated by Aod; Absalom was hanged by the hair of his head, and run through with three darts; King Nadab, son of Jeroboam, was slain by Baaza; King Ela by Zimri; Okosias by Jehu; Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings Jehooiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah, were led into captivity: I need not tell you what was the fate of Croesus, Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus, Perseus, Hannibal, Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho, Vitellius, Domitian, Richard II of England, Edward II, Henry VI, Richard Ill, Mary Stuart, Charles I, the three Henrys of France, and the Emperor Henry IV."

"Neither need you tell me," said Candide, "that we must take care of our garden."

"You are in the right," said Pangloss; "for when man was put into the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it; and this proves that man was not born to be idle."

"Work then without disputing," said Martin; "it is the only way to render life supportable."

The little society, one and all, entered into this laudable design and set themselves to exert their different talents. The little piece of ground yielded them a plentiful crop. Cunegund indeed was very ugly, but she became an excellent hand at pastrywork: Pacquette embroidered; the old woman had the care of the linen. There was none, down to Brother Giroflee, but did some service; he was a very good carpenter, and became an honest man. Pangloss used now and then to say to Candide:

"There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts."

"Excellently observed," answered Candide; "but let us cultivate our garden."

I really liked reading Candide, I don't know why.

Maybe it's the possibility that when you thought the worst had happened, it was actually for the better, and that Providence had not forsaken anyone.

:)

2011-04-12T18:05:00.000+08:00

There's always that one person that will always have your heart.
You'll never see it coming, because you're blinded from the start.

You will always, always be my boo.

P/S: Wonderful how some songs stir up memories.

2011-03-31T12:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I too, am afraid of my own emotions.

But I embrace them more than I hide them.

I like to be doing something all the time, because when I stop and look around, you're not there for me.

I thought they had dried. But it was deception on my own part.

2011-03-30T10:22:00.000+08:00

Honestly I don't know whether to let go of it or not.

I'm just a substitute when you needed someone out, right?

Time makes you see clearly sometimes.............

P/S: Getting off cab since I'm reaching Northpoint LOL

Reason

2011-03-29T20:01:00.000+08:00

I finally realised the reason.

That is because, you possessed everything that I actually ever wished for.

2011-03-27T01:06:00.001+08:00

It is all dust in the wind.

2011-03-18T00:39:00.002+08:00

I need a new wardrobe, pronto. After I get my pay that is. :)

Her Comme des Garcons polka cardigan chio right! GOSH.

2011-03-16T13:58:00.001+08:00

Amazingly I can go Blogger. Wooo. All the other social networking websites are down!!!!!!!

2011-03-14T02:48:00.001+08:00

Life goes on. Look at the world, and Japan. I shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity. All my fault.

What we all want

2011-03-07T22:10:00.000+08:00

Had to apologise first because this entry will be partly in Chinese.

What all girls want are as follow:

1：无论何时何地都会很亲切的叫你宝贝或者亲爱的。

2：逛街时，不厌其烦的陪你逛到脚抽筋。还笑嘻嘻的关心你累不累。

3：你在身边不抽烟。不喝酒。外出应酬也会为了你而少喝酒。

4：做的一手好菜，就是不让你下厨房，说你做饭怎么不好吃，其实是担心你被油烟熏到。

5：吃完饭抢着刷碗，埋怨你洗得不干净。其实是怕你伤到手。

6：捧着零食陪你一起看他并不喜欢的片子，一边看一边喂你吃零食。

7：你睡觉时，会帮你把踢掉的被子盖好。

8：每天都会重复很多话，让你烦。其实他只是为了关心笨笨的不会照顾自己的你。

9：总吵着说你这不好那不好。其实再他心里你是最好的。

10：散步时，会和你十指相扣，牵着你过马路。

11：每月至少和你闹一次矛盾，目的是让你知道。你在他的心里有多重要。

12：愿意在他父母面前说你怎么怎么好。

13：有一个知己，而且你熟悉。

14：常对你说：“为了我，不许不开心”

15：什么事情都不会瞒你，包括前女友来找他。因为他相信你。

16：同样大的年龄，你永远比其他人开心和美丽。

17：为了不让你做家务，要和你猜拳，你出剪子，他出布。

18：买衣服。吃饭都会会征求你的意见。

19：闲来无事，陪你聊聊天。谈你们的孩子以后叫什么名字。

20：有爱心，会养宠物逗你开心。

21：和你朋友一起吃饭，他的表现总是让你很自豪。

22：你做错事情，总要和你争论一翻然后他会道歉说“：宝贝我错了。”

23：手机24小时开机。确保你任何时候都能找到他。

24：更喜欢默默的聆听你的抱怨。

25：记忆力很差，但是他对你的承诺，你对他的要求他却怎么都不会忘记。

26：爱唱歌，即使五音不全也会为你唱你喜欢听的歌。

27：很有上进心。

28：知道你喜欢什么讨厌什么。

29：吵架总是他先认错。

30：知道你和你父母的生日。

31：每天都会做好可口的早餐送到你床边。

32：跟你父母通电话会说：“伯父（伯母）你们放心，我会好好照顾你们家宝贝的......”

33：每天睡觉前会讲笑话给你听。

34：睡的比你晚一点，醒的比你早一点。

35：从来不要求你要怎么怎么对他好。

36：偶尔会给你个小惊喜。

37：手机上你的号码是第一个。

38：不管多忙都会发信息告诉你。他想你。

39：每次打电话都要求你先挂电话。

40：从来不在乎你的体重是不是增加了。

41：会在你面前撒娇。

42：听到你说减肥，他会做很多好吃的，然后告诉你有我在你就不需要减肥。

43：知道你化妆品的牌子。

44：会陪你哭陪你笑。

45：会买很多你爱吃的零食给你。

46：会帮你洗脚。

47：你的照片随身带在身上。

48：在你面前像个孩子一样。

49：你喜欢的衣服。他会毫不犹豫的帮你买下来。

50：你的生日，情人节或者什么纪念日总会买花给你。

51：不希望你受到一点点委屈。

52：永远都相信你。

53：生气时绝对不会和你吵架。

54：是个醋坛子。爱吃醋，但是绝对不会因为吃醋和你闹不开心。

55：记得你每个月的特殊时期。

56：吵架时绝对不说“分手”二字。

57：吵架时，你说了分手他绝对会努力的哄你，因为他知道你说的是气话。

58：成熟又不缺乏幽默。

59：有男子汉气概但是没有大男子主义。

60：天塌了，他会给你顶着。

61：说不清楚为什么爱你，爱你什么，可就是非常爱你。

62：你问他：“你能爱我永远吗？”他会说：“我不敢保证，但是我敢肯定的是，在我生命终结之前，我会一直这么爱你的。

No wonder men are scared. This contains 62 fucking rules for a guy.

Now tell me what commitment is again.

P/S: Rule 23 is necessary, though. Keep your phone on, always or you can just fucking throw it away. I hate slow replies (like what the fuck is wrong with you?! You take a day to reply me, your brain must be malfunctioning) and unanswered calls when you needed to reach the person most.

嘶喊

2011-03-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

莫名的哭泣，
我只想嘶喊。
不需要多管闲事的人，也更不需要你们的同情。
了解，并不简单。

To belong.

2011-03-06T22:13:00.001+08:00

How do you know when you belong to somewhere or some people (or not)?
I guess you use the phrase "out of place".
It's funny because no matter how much time you spend with, how long you talk to them or even in some extreme cases, start to adopt their mannerisms, you are still not one of them.

Pathetic is hence, defined as such.
Haha.

Where I belong. Not.

This is almost as ridiculous as the copies of Nietzsche I found at NLB. All in Chinese.
Start reading Chaucer in Tamil then. LOL extreme fuckedupness.

P/S: blogging on bb is a bitch.

The Aftermath of the Final Paper.

2011-03-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

Too much time, we complain.
Too little time, we complain.
Ah, life.

I feel fat because I know I am fat.
Trying on clothes, but nothing looks good. Simply because my figure's too fat.
Fat is bad.
No one likes you if you're fat.

I hate being trapped in this body.

What are Words...

2011-03-02T20:30:00.001+08:00

Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

Friends and Lady Luck

2011-02-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

So, it's another 3 more days of studying before the exams come.
I'm really frightened for the lack of time, mainly due to my procrastinating and low IQ.

Well today we shall talk about friends or friendship!
This word always reminds me of sunflowers and yellow. Don't ask me why, that's just how the way my stupid low IQ brain processes stuff.
It is a bright yellow, when they are all good and nice and understanding and whatever-nots to you. Haha.
But when it sucks, it turns into some shitty mustard yellow that looks liked dried shit.

It is true that in today's world and technology, no man can be an island of his/her own.
We are all related of some sort.
There are always some that you can depend on, and some you know that you are better off without. Or fair-weathered friends as you know it.

Friends.
You see them all over your Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, whatever!
But how many of them do you truly know?
How many of them will be there for you when you needed them.
Or better yet, how many ACTUALLY know you needed them.
It's a low, low percentage sadly.

Haha. I dug out this keychain with a bear's head from the Clarins unused skincare pile and it was from S.
She spent so much on that just to catch it for me from that stupid machine! (Cos it was my birthday)
Ah, sentimentality.

And the anti version of that would be the day I recalled that I was throwing shits out and I saw the pins/comb/mirror inside the paper package given to me by W.
It was used, before wrapping up and giving it as a gift to me.
Sadly you're no longer my friend and happily, that happened 5 years ago.

Ah, friends.
Honestly I think I might have quite alot of stuffs that my friends have given me but sometimes it takes a little memory-tinkling to recall.
Lol.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings~
Oh yeah but I keep the birthday cards, that's good haha.

Lastly I need Lady Luck wooooooooo!

xoxo,
C

P/S: I know my points are unorganized, not well thought of and not in chronological order. For that I apologize but again, this is my blog and I blog about whatever I want to, erm, blog. So yeah haha.

P/P/S: To people who know who you are: Don't think too much, there can't be anything between us.

2011-02-24T01:56:00.001+08:00

It was the perfect dream before it turned into a nightmare.

P/S: Need a sparklinggggg writeup for my EL thing to win that hamper :<

Quoted from: No Strings Attached

2011-02-24T00:18:00.002+08:00

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

Scared

2011-02-17T12:51:00.002+08:00

I am scared. I don't know what the future has in store for me. I don't know what to do. I admit, I'm lost.

Just another day

2011-02-17T01:09:00.001+08:00

It was a rather aimless day, as like other days.
I have no aim, no goal, no objective.
I wanted to borrow a book on murder, but I realised I did not bring my library card.
I needed an outlet of frustration.

I couldn't help much on that ANOVA thing on the biostatistics project.
I did not realised that it can't be done because there's only two groups of data being compared. T_T And hence there will be no freedom blah blah blah.

NTU was really big anyway, hahaha. But really quiet because everyone's just studying/mugging.
I think you will lose all sense of social life when you are in there.
Not me haha, too dumb to be inside lol.

So here I am late at night, reading this article on Freudian theory of the human psyche. I have no idea why I like to read all these stuff (unrelated to my course, not just now, I suppose lol). I'm always interested in stuff that I'm NOT studying. Because the stuff that I study mostly bore me to tears. Like what? Physics?? Programming?? Ugh spare me.

P/S: Indulge me with strange tales.

Her

2011-02-09T22:30:00.001+08:00

I noticed her, for she was always alone.
I asked my friends who she was and they just plainly shrugged their heads.
No one seemed to care. It was funny because she would be there always, silently and ignored, like a phantom.
One day, she came to talk to me.
She ran away from home, she told me, and had no place to stay besides loitering around.
I lent her some money, gave her some food at times.
But she was too young, too young for work, too young for the world.
A catalyst was triggered one day, suddenly and unexpectedly.
She told me she had no more money, and nobody could help.
Neither could I, for I was broke too.
That night, she told me the only way to get money for someone like her was only prostitution.
She was only 13ish.
I thought she was joking and I told her Macdonald's was a much more viable option.
I only remembered how she gave me that wistful smile.
Her bag was gone the next day.
I never saw her again.

I can only hope that wherever she is now, that she will be happy.

Just A Dream

2011-02-08T09:40:00.001+08:00

The dream was so nice, so real, so vivid.
Surreality rox T_T
Makes me realise that doing mundane everyday things can be fun, with you.
But when I woke up, I realise it was just a dream.
Time is running out and there's nothing I can do about it.

"How do you know if he loves you? Use faith."

2011-02-07T23:11:00.002+08:00

I wish I'm having steamboat now.

2011-02-06T15:16:00.001+08:00

To, new life.